Panic attacks and shit...

[Jake Seven]

[If no one can read this with an open mind, please do not judge me on this. I want your opinions in a well mannered (try anyway), mature conversation. I don't ask for that more than a lot of time. But this time, please.]

So I never really sleep. That's why my post count is so high. All I do is sit here online at night just typing, and thinking, and typing some more. Why I don't sleep is because I think too much trying to sleep. I toss and turn and shit and it keeps me pretty restless. And I don't do sleeping medicine because I really fear something going wrong with it. I don't trust anything like that.

Which leads me to my next problem. My fear of death. Tonight I had a horrible panic attack. Because while I was trying to sleep, my chest started to hurt. Not like horribly, but a little uncomfortable. So I adjusted how I was laying, and it kind of went away. But then I started thinking about my Pop who died of a heart attack at 54 years old in 2001 (Most everyone knows that, no need for detail).

And I started thinking about death. And that's never a good thing. Because when I think about death and dying, and my own personal demise I FREAK out. Like tweak. I just start getting chills and spasms and it's really fucked up. I usually even start to mumble to myself "I don't want to die. I don't want to die", and I usually go into a panic attack where my chest locks up and I have a hard time breathing. It goes away after a few moments, but it lasts for a good five-ten minutes of total shock/fear. Writing about it doesn't set me off, it's more of a random mental thing.

I was watching a show on the universe a few months ago, and they were talking about the end of mankind and how if the sun imploded into a black hole people on Earth wouldn't even know what happened it'd just be over. And of course, I had to think about that and it set me off into an attack. I hadn't had such a bad one since last night/a few hours ago. Do I know why I think about it or focus on it to the point it sets me into a panic attack? No. It just cascades into avalanche of thought that results in me tweaking. I usually try talking myself out of it but that usually compounds the problem since I'm focusing on NOT thinking about it, I'm really reverse psychology'ing myself.

I wanted to know if my fear was anything you guys shared, or if I were alone in that department. Not to the same degree as me, but if anyone else here truly feared dying. I'm sitting here thinking...I'm 2 freaking 1!! If the average life of a man is 79 years old, I've lived a fourth of my life (And that's just average) and I have accomplished NOTHING. 21 years old shouldn't be scared of death, but it's been this way for me probably since 2001 when losing someone I cared about really hit home. This is not a new fear for me. Some of you guys are even older, not by much, but you are.

I know some of you work rather dangerous jobs, others don't. Some of you smoke and drink and do drugs, others don't. That's fine. But I don't do any of that (Or work dangerous/life threatening jobs) and I still think about the food I eat and that maybe, just maybe I should exercise a little more than I do. But then I think,...fuck, what does that really add to your life? A couple years? Maybe? And I also think about the future or medicine and machinery. How far can medicine be developed so that by the time I'm 60 or 70 and may need a new heart, could machinery be used to stop death? I would bet a lot of money that within the next twenty or so years, robotics will be at such a level that it will be possible to have cyborg humans. (We're already there with amputees who have mechanical arms and legs that work from censors in their brain) And that also causes me to think what actually CAUSES death. If you had a heart that would never stop, how would you die other than a disease that impacted your organs or brain, or something of that nature. Is death a function of the brain? If so, could the brain be modified in the future to not die? And when at that point do you cross playing "God"?

I mean we already have pace makers and cures for a lot of diseases that would have stopped people from dieing even fifty years ago. Amazing developments in surgery like open heart surgery no longer requires three months of rehabilitation. The ribcage isn't even cracked anymore. Stunts can be put in veins to stop blood clots. ou can have blood transfusions, and organ replacements. Don't we already prevent death as it is? Has society already crossed that line of playing "God" with who is supposed to live and die? I personally think we have already faltered, or blurred, the natural line of order of life, so any other developments such as a mechanical heart or brain wouldn't be much of a change if someone wanted the procedure to continue living would it? It's also the question of what is human and what isn't?

Maybe I just think that 79 years isn't a lot of time to really enjoy life. Who knows. If anyone has seen Bicentenial Man with Robin Williams, his character had the same thoughts I'm asking you right now. Why die? Why not live forever if it was possible? And throughout the cause of the movie, he is shown that living forever isn't the most important thing, and he slowly becomes human. He loses three wives and loses everything he once knew, two lives over. The world changes around him to the point he doesn't recognize it anymore, and in the end he chooses that he wants to die because he couldn't handle immortality. Like I said, maybe I feel that 50-90 years is just the short end of the stick in the long run of things.

I also relate my thoughts to Anakin Skywalker of Star Wars fame. he had a preoccupation with living forever in his youth, and he also couldn't handle losing people he cared for to the point he wanted the ability to bring people back from the dead. Well, as everyone knows he became more machine than man, and ended up living longer than he should have due to what happened to his physical body. The character was written to reveal that he also realized that living forever isn't important even though he was given the chance to do so and he gave up his life. Granted it's a sci-fi movie, I'm trying to talk about the psychology of the character and the preoccupation with wanting to live forever, knowing that there are things out there that can prevent death, or elongate life anyway.

I guess that's all my thoughts I have on the matter. I hope anyone who read this will share their thoughts with me.

[Xpress Success]

You raise some great philosophical questions, but the problem is... once we start talking about philosophy, we are stepping right outside the bounds of certainty. The bulk of philosophical theory is pure conjecture, a maelstrom of questions thrown out there for all and sundry to absorb and scrutinise. But did the likes of Descartes and Sophocles have a reasonable expectation for many of their questions to be answered ultimately? No. That is perhaps the simple, fundamental truth in philosophy: if you analyse the world we inhabit closely enough, there are no answers. We are left with an endless array of questions, speculation and half-truths. What I'm trying to say is, your questions have no definitive answer.

"How long is too long?", "Why am I afraid of dying?", etc. This needs to be taken for what it is. Humans are inquisitive creatures, we have a predisposition to go out and seek new knowledge when possible, it is in our nature. But from what you have stated in your post, perhaps you are placing an unmanageable burden upon your shoulders with these questions. You want answers, you desperately want for there to be a definitive truth. However, you should know that such an endeavour is a fool's errand. I am in no position to speculate why you suffer from panic attacks, but based purely on your own account of events, it would seem that maybe the paucity of truth is distressing you. Do not fret. There are many people who live to old age and remain happy as there are many people who die young having lived cheerful lives, and vice-versa.

You might consider 25 years to be an extremely short life. But maybe this stems from remaining idle far too often. If you focused less on how long you should be here, and more on getting out there and doing what you want to do with your life, your mindset will change drastically. Maybe there's a certain job you've always dreamed of? Seek it out. Perhaps a girl you yearn for? Take a chance. Kicking into gear and setting about ticking all the boxes in your little life check-list, that will have two profound effects. Firstly you'll have the chance to discover a quality of life you might be lacking at present. Secondly, and more importantly, you'll be focusing on the here and now, as opposed to when you will depart this realm for good. The ultimate point is: stop thinking about dying, think about living. The more people harp on about such things as death, sickness, poverty, etc. the more they become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It is great to ask questions then ponder what really defines us and the plane we inhabit. But to become consumed by these questions isn't healthy at all. Just take a step back, put your life into perspective, and see what you can do to improve your world as a whole. Maybe it's something as simple as a change of scenery, or maybe it is a much more drastic alteration... either way, try to focus a little more on matters you have a modicum of control over. That is the best advice one could give you at this juncture.


P.S: I might just have to take myself up on some of this advice, hahaha.

[Jake Seven]

Thanks.

[Xpress Success]

I sounded too much life a self-help "guru" (read: fraudster).

[Jake Seven]

Hah it's okay. I've calmed down since I wrote it all, so maybe all I needed to do was voice my opinion. But I did agree with what you had to say as well. Wasn't exactly the edge I was looking for when I called you out BUT! You tried, and that's all I could ask for.

Much appreciated.

[Xpress Success]

You wanted me to get mildly worked up, then proceed to tear you and your post to shreds? Sorry dude, but I'm not in the mood for it right now.

[Jake Seven]

Well, no. I was looking more for the philosophical Dylan haha. Not the guidance counselor

That's all.

But again, thanks for the advice. It was appreciated.

[Kyle Heaven]

tl;dr

[Mikkey w/ Max Jewel]

I hate Panic! at the Disco

[Anthony Jordan]

I have similar fears and have done almost the same thing you described in the initial post. All I can tell you is that it goes away. You wake up, work, log on to here, or do something and it goes away. Sitting around and thinking is great, but there comes a point where your mind starts deteriorating. The stress you place upon is too great for it to continue to operate.

The problem with death is that there are no completely lovely outcomes. The popular view of Heaven seems kind of bland to me. I just walk around the clouds for eternity. Do I retain my memories? Do I get to see my friends and family? Is all that wiped away which completely negates the life I'm currently living? The complete opposite of that doesn't seem right, either. Pitch blackness? That's all? I had a 24-? run on this rock, then I disappear. What's the fucking point? With all the great abilities we have over all other known species, are we not special? All we got is a lucky bounce from coincidence and evolution. Possible, but does nothing for me.

You have to reason out your own end. I'm on my way to doing that, but it isn't easy. You may never completely do it, but try one piece at a time.

[Wife Beater]

I also freak out when thinking about it. So I just try to live life to the fullest, have as much fun as possible, and just try and never really fully think about it.

[morningstar]

I can't wait to die and fuck the shit out of Marilyn Monroe.

[Wife Beater]

You want Marilyn Monroe 6 months post-mortem.

[donzig]

So right now I am having this horrible tight pain in my chest, and they sent me home from work for fear that I was dying.

This post did not lift my spirits.

[Anthony Jordan]

We need to take this seriously. The world we know will cease to exist, if Donzig does leave the mortal world.